I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
