did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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