ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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