I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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