dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
whose parrot is this?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
