he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
