I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
