we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
