don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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