Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Of course I have a pirate flag
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
