so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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