I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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