Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
