Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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