idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
