You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
