Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
