My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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