...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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