can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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