if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
