i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
