Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
