Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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