just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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