Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
