Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
