I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
