Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize