dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
