I skipped work to stalk him.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
