You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
