Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
