do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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