the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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