checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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