Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
