I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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