I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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