I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
