his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
