Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
