I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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