That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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