You just made me feel so damn special
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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