Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
