I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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