It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
