I hate your face
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need to align my fucking chakras
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
