Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
