i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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