i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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