He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
