Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
