at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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