i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
