Ambien. No doubt about it.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
