based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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