I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
