If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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