So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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