i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
